War IS Heck

Since 1982 I have spent a large part of my Augusts' in rural Pennsylvania chasing after " not so distressed " damsels, fighting the hoards of rather large brutes, eating like royalty, drinking till the sun comes up watching meteor showers and dancing girls, hagling with merchants, getting mud all over everything, telling stories around the campfires, getting a sunburn, being chased from the battlefield by lightning storms, building sweatlodges, catching snakes, and generally acting like a fifth century barbarian mercenary with a below average regard for human life . LIFE IS SWEET !!! Of coarse I did'nt wear a shirt for two weeks and seldom wore shoes while my long hair hung down to my loincloth or kilt ( depending on my mood ), while slathered in WOAD (a blue body paint rumored to be slightly psychotropic but all it really does is make you want to get naked and kill ROMANS) Ah, family bonding!!! I also got to watch my youngest son kick some serious butt in a RAPIER tournament ( he's a baddass) , while sampling some of the finest blackberry MEAD on the planet with the nearest thing to a goddess this side of Vallhalla.....DELICIOUS !!!!! All of this in turn inspires me to perform at peak levels on the Field of Battle when it's my turn to make somebody fall down and go BOOM. And I did'nt get a bruise in any of the battles ( I lead with my face and mostly took shots right between my eyes ) but when my CLANNE had a tourney to decide who our Champion would be , I took a snap/wrap shot to my left shouder blade which really really hurt and left me open on that side, which my swordbrother Vortigern took full advantage of .......thug that he is , as he blasted my helmet with a mighty blow.....thus knocking me onto the ground with authority !!! HAIL VORTIGEN CHAMPION OF CLANNE PREACHAINNE !!!! Of the melees, all I can say is I really, really, really HATE archers as I seemed to have some sort arrow magnet on me somewhere and the seige engineers knew exactly where to drop the catapult rocks ...damn their eyes !!! The crush of bodies in Bridge Battles gave me pretty little six inch scar ( from the guy behind me pushing forward) accross the previously mentioned bruise on my left shoulder . Maybe I'll wear some armor next time (but probably not)...Still, I fought in every WAR POINT BATTLE and so did my son (a family that preys together, slays together) which ain't bad for an old gitz like me!!! All in all I got in some good killin in every battle except the Castle Battles ( we out numbered the enemy so there weren't enough targets to beat to death...how sad) and I hefted my drinking horn full of ale and gave a toast to each of the fallen by my hand as well as to those that laid me low each day....damn thier eyes !!! Every night I would fall asleep to the sound of drumming from all directions and I woke my clansfolk up to the sound of my drum every morning that we had a battle to fight..( drumming in the morning makes'em mean)...I prepared a feast for over 30 hungry kinsmen of six different stir-fry dishes with a southern dish( fried corn) and doughnuts , all over an open fire started by flint and steel... In fact I had so much beef left uncooked that later on in the evening, that I got out the wok and made " meat cookies" for our camp as well as for the folks next door (althogh some prefer to cook the meat with the aid of thier trusty spear like regular folks might toast marshmellows) ....What can I tell you about this lifestyle that would make you understand the appeal that I haven't already mentioned ??? Oh yeah, I didn't sleep alone every night !!! And I made some new friends as well as saying HI-THERE to some old ones!!!!! Remember, the difference between a fairy tale and a war story is that one starts off " Once upon a time" and the other starts with " No s*** there we were"!!!!! And now a war story...No s*** there we were , two against a thousand . We fought all morning hacking through sea of dead bodies to get to the hated foe-men ..We hacked and hacked , but still they came unabated by our efforts.. Death and more death as we fought under the blazing sun ...Two against 500 and still our dreaded foe-men kept heart and still very much on the attack as blood spurted and heads rolled well into the afternoon...Two against 100 and the bodies piled up into small mountains and still they came...Now it was two against 10 as the crows desended on all the carnage and the battle raged on...My arms feel like lead , I can hardly swing my sword or lift my shield...Two against one ....To the very end a hard fought battle, but at this point I think I hear my mama calling, cause those are TWO of the MEANEST S.O.B.'s I've seen in my life!!!!! Gotta go !!!!!!